My heart...cut open and spread out wide

Wow, God has been so busy in my life this week I feel like I can barely remember the events of each day that has pasted since the first of December. I know I have checked many things off of my "To Do List" but, honestly, I can only remember the many conversations He and I have shared together. I feel like we have been in constant chat mode day in and day out. I have been so full of questions and He has been unloading the answers. I feel so raw...I was cut open and laid out wide for Him to stitch up some wounds this week. He opened my eyes to circumstances in my past and I finally feel like I understand why many of them took place. I am sure I have spoken with many of you over this past week and seemed so far away. Sorry, I was...I was sifting and sorting through the verses and thoughts He had laid on my heart. I was faced with some difficult options this week. It all started with circumstances with one of my sweet girls that were out of any of our control. It hit hard with me as her mother and I had an extremely difficult time carrying it. I wondered if I was worrying over something that was silly, something that in the grand scheme of things really didn't matter that much. I got a similar quote from some people that love me dearly, "This is temporary, other parents are facing terrible situations with their children and this is so minor." However, God would not let me turn loose of it. To me, it was much more than an ordinary situation. Through our Pastor's sermon Sunday, I began to understand what God wanted from me. I heard God whispering to me to trust my heart and go the extra distance to protect my child...just as Joseph stood strong for Mary when others scorned her for bearing a child. I have always been known to worry too much over what others opinion of me may be. I panic and fret over things for days that most people would never blink an eye. God used the Christmas story this week to talk to me about this part of my life. I am not saying it is the right thing to care about the opinion of others. However, this week my sweet Savior showed me why this is insecurity was placed in my path. I needed to feel the uncomfortableness of how it can devastate you to be ridiculed. The only way I could make the correct decision for my child this week was to be so raw that I could envision the pain before it took place. I carried it so that someone I love so dearly would never have to. Man, can girls be so terribly hurtful to one another. I was on both ends of it growing up and it is something I am so unproud of. But, it makes me very sensitive to it when raising this precious girls God has trusted me to train. I recently witnessed a situation in my neighborhood where a teenage girl felt life was just too hard to bear and gave up. Life can be so hurtful to young girls as they try to understand what makes them worthy. I am glad I took this simple situation and let my Savior guide me to the correct path to take. Almost daily I take jabs from others around me concerning my hobbies, clothes, way of life, etc. Mostly, they come from people who I know love me but their opinions and jokes sometimes cut like a knife through my side. I usually brush it off as just my insecurity but this week, tonight, actually, my eyes were opened to why God allows me to still be so vunerable to these types comments. It was the only way I would be willing to hear from Him concerning my child and not listen to the world. I have been amazed at my devotional each day this week. Each one so perfectly suited for the day I opened it up...the verses just answers to the previous sleepless nights' anxious conversations with Him. One of my favorites that He reminded me of..."My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body." Psalm 139:15 -16 This reminded me that He made me complete in His own vision. He knew from the start that I would have a insecure nature and have a heart for others concerning this same area. I was reminded that I am a treasured masterpiece of His handiwork and so is my sweet girl. Without protection from this situation, she might have been mislead off a path He had laid out for her due to the lack of confidence to procede. She has such a sensitive and meek nature about her and her kindness and willingness to give to others is something I learn from daily. Although, these are good traits, they can also make her very weak in certain circumstances. Luckily, it has all been brought to light early. Now, it is time for healing for me. Time to let it all go. Time to close up the wounds and dust off the hurt feelings that come with the insensitive jokes from those near to me. I can now move past of all this and it is so freeing. It really does only matter what my Lord and Savior thinks of me and my decisions and it is time to focus completely on what His word says for me and my family. One thing that is so amazing to me is to look back over the past week and see how I have grown, been changed and made whole through something that seems so minor but, oh, so MAJOR to my heart. I thank God for the tears I have shed because of the hurtful comments from others throughout my past. That is definitely something I never thought I would do but to save another I love, I would take them all a million times over!