My new name...

a "job" I never applied for, trained for, or really even accepted with an actual response......Just action.....That was all there was to do. It was in an instant God undoubtedly said "you bet, THIS need is desperate. AND. I want you to fill the void.  I promise to you ALL the love I have and will continuously pour into you WILL be enough."  

It's taken me almost two weeks since the official title was given out to us at court.  But......yall, I'm a foster mom.  (still, saying it out loud my stomach takes a head first dive straight to the floor)  In all actuality, I've been a "foster mom," so to speak, for almost four months.  I have just preferred to use the term "helping out" instead of sounding so serious and legally no one pinned it on us until now. 

Honestly, I haven't wanted to share this story.  We are all very protective of this journey.  It holds huge parts of our hearts and lives swirling around in the midst of every single detail.  What I know in truth though, is that this isn't even my story, my kids story, this baby's story....this story is our Father's.  Just as one of the sweetest pillars of our church stood in the TJ Maxx line holding one of the tiny feet above, rubbing my arm and locked into my eyes said to me "honey, you walk this out with boldness.  Give God all the glory in this call."

Finally, a few months later, a couple of questions answered and a few million other bridges left for God to build as we journey.......I will do the best I can to showcase His unending faithfulness to a calling I never even feel like we said yes to.  We just put our toes in the water when He reached out His hand to us.  Next thing we knew, He was carrying us over every single crashing wave while we carried a tiny baby boy wrapped up in midst of our family huddle.  His giant wings covering us all six with His feathers.

We have soared.....not without hurt, tears and immense joy....but, we are soaring, none the less, because this journey was written in our family book by the hand of God himself.   There is no other story I would rather play a part in than my own, designed perfectly for me, by my creator. 

I have been asked multiple times "but, what about the hurt?"  I have no answer for that.  The only thing I do know for absolute certainty is........we all gonna get some major hurt along life's road.  This one has my name on it, my husband's name on it, our girl's names on it. my parent's names on it and on and on.  I can either take the route designed for me that will endure hardship to bring me to the foot of the cross OR I can choose my own path to try to avoid hurt.  The latter I also know from experience will lead me NO WHERE except a road of self destruction and HURT.  Being reconstructed into the image of Christ by the hand of the Father is the route we chose.  So, hurt, scary, unknown, lonely or not.  We embarked.   

~How it all started~

Going way back without much detail, Jon and I both knew for many years that deep down we were called to some sort of "adoption" related assignment.  However, we never felt the direct lead to seek it out in any way.  Maybe because we both sort of avoided it and copped out with the good ole "well, God, if you want us to love another child like our own, we will.  Just drop it in our laps and we will say yes.  thank you, Amen."  Not even being funny, that was the depth of my prayer with it.  I didn't have any idea what that would even look like and He wasn't given any hints.  So, we pressed on in life like normal.  UNTIL........

Thanksgiving week.  I became very sick.  Sick to the point that I carried a bag with me every single place I went.  Was I terrified?  Yes, but it wasn't the first time I had lived this.  Actually, it was the fourth.  This exact scenario played out each and every time I was expecting a child.   EXCEPT, this time that was an impossible option.  I called a friend in tears on day 4.  I called my dr in tears also on day 4.  Both of them assured me that it wasn't the end of the world and to simply take a test and move forward.  My sweet man who wasn't nearly as panicked as me, showed up with one in hand and a big grin.  (granted, he wasn't the sick one).  The test was negative.  I cried out in praise for saving my body from that pain.   I knew my body wouldn't survive round 4 of the depth of sickness pregnancy brings to my body.  I took some time to let it sink in and within an hour, NO more sickness.  Odd?  YES.  But, then, within the very next hour,  Jon and I both received a text from a lady very dear to us with a picture of the sweetest face and the message was similar to this "how would you two feel about helping provide love and life to this baby boy?"  She said she had felt very strongly since her involvement that God was pointing her to our family.   For some reason, she said today was the day she was supposed to ask us.

Within in seconds my phone rang.  Jon and I tossed around what that might mean and if this could possibly be the "dropping in the lap" that we had said we would agree to.  I quickly shut that thought down and moved ahead to plans for turkey day!  Cause that was much more "normal" and satisfying!

We had an amazing Thanksgiving and the tugging was there but I was great at closing the door on it.  Then, I went to church on Sunday.   My pastor skipped his normal message series and talked with us as a congregation about his recent trip to India.  Whew, he didn't realize it but he was actually talking to me about my disobedience and selfish heart.  He posed a question I will never forget "what if we are too afraid to ask God what He truly wants for us and our family because we are too afraid of the sacrifice?"  The burning in my heart had already started.  The whispers were there.  I recognized the voice speaking to me.  It wasn't until I chose obedience and followed the still, small voice to the altar that I heard the loud, audible voice of my Father....

"I prepared you for this, my child.  I told you last week that a baby was coming.  Your ways are not my ways.  It doesn't have to be your flesh.  It is MINE and I am entrusting it to you for now."   

The battle of flesh was raging and through unstoppable tears, Jon and I locked eyes as we knelt at the front of our church.  Without words, we both settled it.  We knew it was our call.  We knew it had been dropped on our doorstep and we were to open the door and take it in.  What we didn't have were answers.  Not one.  Not a single idea what was coming.  We only knew how we would survive it. That was because our Savior said "take up your cross and follow me."  He was leading the way and ALL five of us were lining up to follow.

We sat the girls down for a family meeting:-)  Each one of them had also been prepared.   Why would I think God would not have already laid that foundation?  Of course, He did.  With all sincerity, they all agreed it was a chance for them to be involved in helping, too, like I do at the women's center.  "Its what you already do, mommy, its just we will really be able to help this lady and her child."   And, every day since despite how dark and deep it has become which was wildly unknown to us then, these girls have prayed for his birth parents, for him to know the true love of family and for us to be good servants to the job we have been given.  They have witnessed firsthand how slippery the slopes of sin are.  How narrow the path to Heaven is and how well equipped with the Lord's armor we must constantly be to battle the schemes of the enemy.  We use terms in our home that used to be so foreign.  Yet, now, they are as natural as the word milk.  Does it frighten me as their momma?  Not really.  I can undoubtedly say, it is the only way to show true Faith to them.  By walking this out in front of them, they can see we are trusting each and every detail of this story to the One who holds all of our tomorrows.

A few days into it our middle daughter asked, "what do we do when we give him back?"  As bad as I wanted to scream to the Heavens, "I told you so!   See, this is too hard for us.  We are not equipped!"  I didn't.  But, I also didn't have that answer.  So, I turned it back to her.  I said, "honey, you tell mommy what you will do."   In her big girl voice and her precious tween body she looked up and replied "it would be best for him.  That is what I would want if you got better.  I would have wanted to be given back to you."  I smiled instead of crying at how God had already prepared her heart.   We grabbed hands and ventured into Target for some baby supplies!

Most days it is all we can do.... Cover the unknown questions with the certainty of HIs goodness........and , just step one foot in front of the other and keep pressing on.

So.......Off we went, all together, rooted in truth and grace.  With shaking knees, but 10 feet firmly planted on a foundation strong in the Lord........

This photo was made the very first time I held him in our home.  A friend had actually texted me just checking in and asking what I was doing.  Getting this pic as my response was not at all what she expected.  See, we had mentioned not a word of this to anyone and still didn't plan on it.  But, she didn't count.   I guess I just needed someone to say I wasn't crazy.  Or, that maybe I was but that crazy for Jesus would render itself worth it.  So far, it has!

What this picture doesn't show is the first 3 hours he was in our home.  I "ignored" him.  I tried with all my might to pretend he wasn't there.  See, it was the day before God spoke.  It was that Saturday after Thanksgiving.  As a family we had just given such praises for all of our blessings.  I knew that little bundle of cuteness wrapped up in the arms of my husband and girls was going to change things.  Maybe for the better but, certainly for the unknown.  Then, once someone finally laid him down, I slowly walked over and cradled him up.  Still, I just was showing him what a momma's cuddle would feel like.  I just was gonna whisper one little lullaby while he slept.  Surely, that would be okay.  He wouldn't even notice.

Does it look always this sweet, cozy and natural?  Uhmmmmm.....NO.  Is what is being created in the hearts of all of us worth it?  EVERY SINGLE Drop! 

Fast forward to Christmas~ We had begun the journey head first.  We were "knee deep" in the waters of caring for this almost too good to be true baby boy.  But, now it was Christmas.  We were going to Mimi and Granddaddy's and NORMAL was coming quick!  I was thrilled for some consistency.  Christmas Eve came and we were heading North.  Then, there was a last minute change in plans and we had a decision to make....Take or leave this important piece.  I tried to reason why we needed the girls permission (like they would say no) or my parents permission (same).  But, Jon said "Babe, this is done.  He's coming with us."  I called momma cause I needed her to help me reason why just this one weekend, we needed the original clan.  Her response was quick and rooted in Jesus.  She said "Mande, it's the story of Christmas.  Our INN is always open.  Load your car and come on."  

I made every attempt to make things for my entire extended family as normal as possible.  To protect them all and maintain consistency cause what if it was his only time.  What if his first Christmas with us is also his last.  How do we even do this?  Do we just do every picture twice....one with him and one without. Yep, that's what we did.  Was it weird?  NOT to a single person!  My family is amazing!!   thank you, Lord, for my people.

We walked into the candle light service at the church were our family has attended for years, where my parents were married, where we were married, where we dedicated our 1st child and showed off each additional daughter who followed.  Now, we were about to walk in with the five granddaughters and a baby in blue snuggled up to my chest sound asleep.  I imagined all the eyes, all the quiet questions going on with everyone, including myself.  I could feel clearly what Mary and Joseph must have felt when they knew they had been given a promise from the Lord, trusted Him at every word but had to walk it out in a world where it just didn't make any sense.  Every single person was so gracious and kind.

I tried my best to create memories that would be just as incredible as his very first Christmas should be.  To record every piece of it on camera for his birth mother.  While in the back of my mind also trying to make sure my heart was engaged enough that IF I sat in that same place recording his 10th Christmas as his "momma" that I wouldn't regret a single minute of how it played out.  I sang silent night as I rocked him to seep like I did my very own babies on their first Christmas Eve.  I kissed him as he opened his eyes that first Christmas morning and told him his momma loved him so very much.  I knew it had double meaning.  He still doesn't.  I can't make sense of it.  I pray he never has to.

Yet, true to every other aspect of this entire journey, God paved the way and Christmas in its entirety was a beautiful treasure.   Santa even shopped at Walgreens at 9:30 pm that night to make sure he had a football to deliver for the first time ever to the Penland Family Christmas.

The journey has quickly continued.  We have grown so much as a family.  Most days, I can barely breathe without being shoulder to shoulder with my man.  Our marriage has reached a level I never even knew existed.  At any moment, the girls can meet our gaze from across the room and we quickly feel something linked together that not another person can ever "get."  When someone in public so kindly says, "your little brother is so smiley and adorable.  Do you just love him?"  I know in their gentle smiles and sweet 'yes ma'am's' that their heart is pounding at the darts the enemy is throwing their way.  I nod and assure them that its okay.  No one has to know.  We know and that is all that matters.  We turn and move forward.   Just like the time before.   In the same direction we have been headed.  Following the One who directs our path.  


I can hear faint little whimpers waking up from a nap.  There is so much more to this adventure.  It quickly turned "legal" following Christmas so things are a little different now with what I can share and what I can't.  But, rest assured.....

GOD HAS FOUGHT EVERY SINGLE BATTLE BEFORE WE EVEN REACHED THE ENEMY LINE.  He has not once forsaken us.  He has remained faithful to every promise.  Do we know the end result?  No.  Is it my place to question it, NO. My place is to trust.  With every ounce in me, I am trying to.   Am I going to deny it is messy, unnatural and hard.  Not once.   I, also, will not deny the huge joy it brings to be able to share the love of Jesus with someone as needy as a child.  To be able to watch my own children grow closer and closer to their Father, each other and us as we journey this together.

I am reminded daily of the story in Genesis of Jacob wrestling with God.  How He struck Jacob's hip socket and left him a forever limp.  How that limping was given as a means to draw Jacob daily to the Lord.  We, too, each have our "hip sockets" struck.  We each have been given a "limp" that draws us to the Father.  I have learned to consider it a blessing.  I pray I can always find the blessing even through the limping of this world.

As I have accepted my new title of Foster Mom, I have decided it helps to read and reach out to others experiencing the same.

This lady did a pretty amazing job at verbalizing the war that is going on inside of me these days as I walk through a calling so vastly different than I would have ever chosen for myself. So many things about this experience that can never ever be understood until it's walked it out with your very own heart. It's the enemy's best playground and the Lord's greatest gift....

http://www.foreverymom.com/mother/  (this will be hard to read if you're a momma for sure, but the below excerpt from another lady will assure you why a call like fostering is so needed.)

This was another blog from a baptist foster mom I thought was powerful ...

"By God’s grace, we will survive the grief of giving up our foster son. Though the pain will be great, we have the coping skills and resources to deal with the loss. But if he were to go without the love and attachment he needs at this point in his development, he couldn't simply catch up later in life. It’s crucial for his sake that we risk the pain of getting “too attached.”

Jesus says, “Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it” (Matt. 10:39). We want to lose our lives for the sake of our foster son—not only because he needs us to, but because Christ met our even more desperate need. Every dirty diaper, every nighttime feeding, every heart-wrenching visit with his birth parents, and every court date and call from his social worker remind us that we are losing our lives. We are giving our hearts away to this little boy we have no promise of keeping. Still, no matter the sacrifices we make, they pale compared to all that Christ sacrificed to save us.

Children are a gift. They are never ours to possess. That seems obvious with foster care. But it’s no less true with biological children. Whether I become a mother biologically or through foster care, my children belong to God, not me. 

Opening your heart to love any child is risky and requires a loss of self. Opening your heart and home to a foster child may seem especially risky. But in losing ourselves, we gain. We grow in understanding how Jesus loved us and gave himself up for us. In seeking to love sacrificially, we pray others will see a picture of the gospel and be drawn to Christ. We pray our love will lead our foster son to one day trust in Jesus, who gave him far more than we ever could. We also pray that believers everywhere will join us and risk becoming “too attached” for the sake of the children in need and the glory of the One who alone makes such risk possible."  Brittany Lind


I will promise to update our journey most closely when I have the freedom to do so.  Until then, I humbly ask for prayers for all involved in this.  We are very grateful for the love and overwhelming support of all of our friends and family!!

Side note~I have only mentioned my small family in this journey but SO many other faithful servants have and are venturing this with us.  From friends sitting at the courthouse with scripture and arms held out to hold us up, to couple friends gathered in our home crying out (literally) to the Father on behalf of this baby, to the angel/sitter who has helped me immensely play this dual role, to gifts, to dinners, to prayers, to private messages to help spur us on, to brothers who offer sound advice and say they will love you no matter what kind of crazy train you drag us all onto, to a daddy who is being drug tested and giving up golf games to be checked in depth for any criminal background only a few short weeks after turning in his Mayor status, to a momma who has redone a room in her house and spent days caring for an infant while the five of us enjoyed an escape following a horrific court debacle.  The list goes on and on....

The saints surrounding us are so incredible and we have been blessed day after day by the support!  Much LOVE~